Saturday, January 19, 2008

WARNING: Today's entry contains graphic art which may be unsuitable for those over the age of 40. Children are advised to report their parents and/or legal guardians to the authorities for re-education, set the house on fire, steal the Volvo and hit the streets!
That's right, folks- you heard it here first. That box in front of your noses has got to go. The only thing more evil than television is the people who sit down and fasten their eyes and ears upon it. You can take it from me, or you can wait around until the unsavory Jimi-quoting character on the yellow background comes knocking on your door in the middle of the night, but if you wait that long you'll be going for a long ride in a boxcar. Along with all the bloggers and lawyers and politicians and religious people.

Anyway, I'm sure you didn't come here to be threatened and lectured to. Let's move on now to the entertainment segment of our program...

Drifty, what is this all about? I mean, where are you going with this? Mgmt are a little concerned about the artwork, and not too happy about the commentary, and I'm having some doubts myself.

Yeah, thanks, Ed. Why do I have to be going anywhere with it? Maybe it's YOU who should be thinking about going somewhere. I know you watch TV- I've heard you standing around the water cooler making slack-jawed conversation with those mouth-breathers from HR about last night's American Idol. Are you going to work for change or will change work on you?

Drifty, please! Will you settle down a little bit, and get that scary guy's picture out of here? C'mon! People are not into this kind of thing, you're going to drive away your readership.

Yeah, thanks, Mgmt. Look, a little bit of constructive criticism never hurt anybody- TV, on the other hand, hurts everybody. It's probably as bad for us as drunk driving or knee-jerk health care reform. It drives people insane with boredom, it fills their heads with advertising lies and noise, it's worse than worthless- it's a positive evil. The medium could be used for education and communication, but what do we do with it? We turn to it when we want our brains shut down. What does it give us? Just noise. Deafening garbage. Something to make the hands on the clock run a little faster. Something to keep our family and friends from talking to us. I hate the thing. I threw mine through the show window of the store it came from. You should too. All of you. Or that guy in the yellow poster will drag you out of bed and hustle you off to the gulags. If it comes to that, I'll be helping to pitchfork you fools into the train.

Drifty!!! You've GOT to calm down! There's a twitching vein in your forehead. If you keep this up you're going to die, and you don't have any funeral insurance. HR want you to know that if you die on the job, you are responsible for removing your own remains.

That's it! I'm outta here! If you folks want to read anything more today, you'll have to roll your own. I'm gonna go read a book.

Mgmt: He hasn't been the same since he got that new job in the real world, has he?

Ed: Nope, but then he's NEVER been the same- that's not the way he's put together. He'll be OK tomorrow probably. He really dislikes television, that's all. And he loves making those creepy political posters. I wonder who that bearded nut job is? It isn't a real revolutionary, I don't think. Doesn't look like anyone I've ever heard of. I think making these posters helps him calm down over the long haul, but in the short term... well, you see how he is today.

Mgmt: Maybe that's him, y'know, a picture from his student days.

Ed: Drifty a student? Not since gasoline was cheaper than milk! Yeesh, I'm sounding like him. Anyway, I've never seen him looking like that, and I've known him thirty years. That guy on the poster looks like a tyrant. He makes old Iron Joe look like a cotton-candy pussy-cat!

Mgmt: Wow, you really do sound like him! Want to write today's entry?

Ed: No way! See if you can get that copy runner to come back and do it. I'm going to the drag races.

Mgmt: Down at the speedway? It's not the season for that.

Ed: Speedway? No, a bunch of kids meet at the I-280/ Foothill Expressway overpass and race there.

Mgmt: Isn't that illegal? And dangerous?

Ed: I don't know, probably. I shoot video and put it on Youtube for them. $20 a minute. That's one race. They can only hold about one and a half races before the cops get close and they have to split.

Mgmt: Do they pay before they start racing?

Ed: Of course! When these things break up, they do it fast. No time for paperwork.

Mgmt: So you moonlight as a sideshow cinematographer. Huh. I just go home to the wife and kids and watch TV.

Ed: So do I, but the kids call me on their cell phones when they're five minutes from the race site, and I go out. I have a DVR, so I just pause it, and the wife takes the dog for walk and I'm back in five minutes, watching from where I left off. No commercials. It's great.

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