Saturday, July 23, 2011

You're not going to like this...

If this offends you... be offended. Or don't. Either way, I'll hate you. Or not. Probably not. You can hate me. I don't care. I won't hate you, I promise. All my promises are conditional. Sometimes.

Usually, I'm a nice person. No, that's a lie, but I do try. I'll try any damned thing. Once. I was a nice person once, for about ten seconds. It made my teeth itch. And it almost made me vote for Ross Perot, but luckily nothing can make me do anything (which is why I do nearly nothing), and anyway I always vote for Bob Pease (1940-2011, RIP) or Frank Zappa (also dead). Or Kurt Vonnegut (dead). Or Douglas Adams (dead). Or B. Traven (presumed dead). Yeah, especially B. Traven. I would probably vote TWICE for B. Traven, except he/she/it was a damned Commie. And speaking of dubious heroes- need I mention this? I have never failed to vote for Ed Abbey (dead) on any ballot on which he appeared, which is (so far as I know, in my voting area, to date... certain limits and/or restrictions may apply. . seek competent advice before acting upon information contained herein) none. I once voted for Willa Cather ( dead), but her ticket was disqualified because her running mate Nicola Tesla (dead) was declared an undesirable alien. And I routinely vote for cartoon characters. Without a trace of irony. By the way, just hearing me say these things makes you a better person. But you'll never be as good a person as I am. Or coulda/shoulda/woulda been. Or so I say. Your mileage may vary- draw your own conclusions, and keep 'em to yourself. Or don't. There's a Comments button at the bottom of the page.

Oh, factual interjection: That crack about Tesla being declared an illegal alien is pure hooey. Nothing to it, so far as I know. But I didn't want to waste a good lie. If I'm ever an alien, I hope I'm desirable. No, I hope I'm irresistible. And undeniably alien. Some aliens blend right in. They walk around like they own the place, and everyone accepts them. I don't want that for me. I want to leave a scar where I settle. I want to be a living mystery, a 9th Wonder of the World. In fact, I'd like to be unfathomable. Maybe even inscrutable. And certainly unflappable. I'd like to be the Napoleon of the law-abiding world. Sadly, I'm all too ordinary. And I'm not much of a Peronist. Well, frankly speaking, I am truly no kind of a Peronist at all. Also a damned poor periodontist. Have a look inside my mouth if you doubt that. I'll thank you kindly to leave my politics out of this. And fuck your mother's Majolica toaster oven, while we're at it. Oh, wow. Where did THAT come from? Well, how do I know what I think until I hear what I say?, as someone once cleverly said.

But seriously, folks, Google the toaster oven reference, including the place name. It might just thrill you through your socks. Or maybe it won't. My money is on won't. Unless you like living a boring life. Or I might be wrong- I haven't Googled it myself, though I probably should have, and maybe will. Or not. That's one of my many favorite qualifiers. Covers a whole lot of nothin', if you know what I mean. And while were on THAT subject, don't forget to drink some water today. Here's a motto: Never let 'em catch you a pint low! And remember, a pint's a pound the world around.

Now, here's why we're all here:

I won't cite sources or dig deep into history on this topic, but here's my take on... well, you'll see.

A microphone is a mic
A bicycle is a bike
Is a dyke a dichotomy?

See what I mean? It ain't worth quibbling over, but it's probably worth talking about. Got any thoughts? You could keep them to yourselves, or you could share them with us. We are tolerant eed-jutz. We see your folly and raise (or lower) it a level or two. And if you would like to vote my poetry in for a Nobel prize, please do. I won't object. I can't, because I have no idea how anything I write ever came into print. Honestly, I don't. Or shouldn't. My lawyers (all 0.000000000001321 of them) tell me I must not say otherwise. As for you... you can (and should, I urge you) take a long walk on a short pier. Really, go for it! Thanks for your attention.

And, on that note...

Have a day, as they say. Thank you, please come again, as the sex-worker said on two-fer-Tuesday. And... Sank ewe- awl be here all zuh veek.

OTE: Check your facts before quoting me. And then don't quote me, or I WILL sue you, big time. Melvin Belli big time. F. Lee Bailey big time. Remember, I am smarter than Leonardo da Vinci and more attractive than Leonardo di Caprio.

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